One of the finer traditions of this region is that young people, at least on the surface, respect their elders. The well-behaved kids here say “ma’am” and “sir,” and I am determined that our girls will pick up these habits.
Miss D. is halfway there. She will occasionally say, “yes, ma’am” to me without my prompting her to do so. She’ll also occasionally say, “yes, ma’am” to Country-Fried Daddy. He’s not amused by this, but we have to give her credit for trying.
I’ve never taught in the public schools in the South, but I imagine the “ma’am” factor might make it more pleasant than it was in the Northeast, where it wasn’t unusual for me to have a conversation that went something like this:
Budding scholar: You are such a bitch, lady.
Caring, patient teacher: Oh, you have no idea.
Not surprisingly, I never enjoyed these scenes. They rattled me and they distracted me from the job I was supposed to be doing. But these were often cathartic conversations. Once a kid got this off of his or her chest, we could often work through the issues that caused so much venom in the first place. Well, we could do that after the little darling served his or her in-school suspension.
Maybe such catharsis is harder when the conversation is masked by “ma’am.” Perhaps one would hear…
I don’t understand what you’re saying, ma’am.
…but the underlying meaning would be the same as the words of my Yankee students. Would I hear the underlying meaning? I don’t think so.
There seems to be a code in these parts, and I am lacking the secret decoder ring that might help me crack it.
Do you know that old Ani Difranco song with the lyrics, “I can’t wait to get back to New York City, where at least when I walk down the street, no one ever hesitates, to tell me exactly what they think of me”?
I’m not from New York City, but I can identify with the comfort that comes from a culture in which people feel free to tell you what they think of you.
If you think I’m a bitch — because you disagree with the way I raise my kids, because I’m too outspoken, because I judge those who can’t use apostrophes correctly — so be it. I don’t like that you might feel that way about me, but I can take it. But please don’t coat that feeling in niceties, because I will undoubtedly misread your intention and do something embarrassing like think we’re friends.
The “ma’am factor,” the practice of being nice when you do not necessarily feel warmly toward someone, seems pervasive here. Maybe that’s true everywhere and I’m only now realizing it. I wonder whether it’s too late for me to learn how to navigate under the rules of “ma’am.”
Like a foreign language, perhaps learning to hear and speak “ma’am” is something one must do in childhood in order to become fluent.
If you could choose, would you opt for honesty and potential conflict, or does the “ma’am factor” sound like a nice way to maintain peace?
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Oh how true. And the other one that gets me? “Bless your heart” It can be used to show you sympathize with the person or in the “She’s so dumb/stupid/ignorant, bless her heart” way. And southern women have a way of making them both sound the same!
I was just getting ready to write a post about one of my co-workers who says “You’re OK.” and “That’s no problem,” while smiling when I know what she really wants to say is “You’re a freak.” and “That is a SERIOUS! problem!”
I’ve often said that very thing about New York. In New England, they may not tell you what they’re thinking, but it’s written on their faces. It seems the more polite people get, the more intolerant they tend to be. Maybe civility is what we’re really aiming for. To have the skill to be direct without inciting somebody.
And, for what it’s worth, some of my favorite people are bitches.
Another little phrase that is very irritating is “have a nice day.” Do people really care whether you have a nice day? I suggest no. They are so programmed to say that, that it is truly meaningless in my opinion. What is that clerk at the supermarket really thinking??? Hmmmmm.
The most important lesson we learn from this is being respectful and polite to others, which Miss D is doing thanks to her Mommy and Daddy!
I think Ma’am and Sir are just Old Fashioned manners. But I tend to take friendlness at face value! I mean it IS possible that they are being nice because they are actually friendly? I’d hate to walk around disbelieving that those are real smiles in the checkout line. The world has enough darkness, and loneliness. If we can’t have faith in smiling, a friendly greeting- then what hope is there?
And if you ever run into my smile out somewhere- I promise you I mean it. (even when totally flustered and overwhelmed at Disney on Ice- it was great to see you!)
We’ll talk about “that’s nice” when you get here for Thanksgiving.
I’m still stuck on the fact that in any school setting, a child using the word bitch when addressing his/her teacher. Really? Kids do that? WTF.
I was born in New York and transplanted in Colorado as a teen.
We may have different slang, but the same coding here. Took me years to get it.
Oh how I long for a good, refreshing New Yorker to tell me how it is.
I prefer open hostility. I can send that sh*t right back. On the other hand, I can make sir and ma’am sound like a cuss word. It’s a talent picked up in Catholic school.